Late Afternoon Post

I know I come off as kind of confused, lost about my career. In many ways, I am these things. I'm constantly debating the pros and cons of the two, and trying to figure out what I REALLY want in not only my career life, but my life LIFE as well, since the career part greatly affects my overall being. But in another way - a fantasy dreamworld way, where money is not an issue - I know exactly what I want to do/be.

But this is reality, and I live in it. And as nice as dreams are to have, they aren't always the most doable. Sure, I can suffer and face homelessness and complete bankruptcy, but would it pay off in the end? All the servers/actors do it, but do they ALL make it? No.

And then when/if you don't, what do you do?

Two weeks later

Mom is out of the ICU though still in the hospital, Piggie is back in town and fatter (and happier) than ever, and I can soon get back to some sort of normalcy (I hope).

Still stressed in other ways, but overall, things are looking up.

Photo taken last week while still in the ICU.

Exhaustion

Sitting in the dark and empty ICU waiting room at 2AM has left me feeling exhausted. It's not just physical. I'm exhausted in ways I didn't know were possible. It's all for a reason a million times worth it, but sitting here with my eyes half open is making me delusional. Is that a Monet on the wall and is it in 3d?

There isn't that much going on in my mind right now except my own personal troubles. Aside from the obvious, I'm worried about my professional life. I've never been so lost about it before. I have my pros and cons lists but my inner Gemini just can't decide. Fashion? Advertising? Something completely new? How? Is it worth it? What do I really want in life? Could I be happy with fashion as a hobby instead of a career? What is the most important factor I look for in a job? Why do I have so many questions and so few answers?

Attached please find a picture of my bleak 2am existence.

I'm sure I'll read this later under normal circumstances and hastily delete out of embarrassment. This no sleeping in the hospital thing may have turned me into an incoherent philosophical idiot.

Faith

And then it happens.

All the other aspects that plague my life on a daily basis suddenly become trivial. Perspective, I guess.

And I feel helpless. Overwhelmed by emotions never felt at such levels of extremity, I need something to believe in. We all do. Whatever it is, whoever it is, it's not only comforting during crises like these, but (at least for me) necessary.

I've never been very religious. I'm still not sure what I believe in - angels, spirits, some God? Whoever you are - please fix her. Make me believe, I need something to believe in.